Chelsea

Day 45 and 46

are the same..

 

i feel the same

 

its crazy how much i miss her

i compare  her to everything

i think of her through anything

i can't get her out of my head

 

she is here and there

 

i can't be around kasey without feeling weird

i can't hold her hand,can't sleep next to her,

can't do anything, i can't even let my feelings

move forward on her...

 

i go to the mall, and its jessie this

jessie that, oh i remember that

oh don't do that last time it was with jessie

or i almost bought that for jessie

or i remember when jessie did this for me

there are some stores,i just can't go into

and it kills me to step inside

i can't do anything

the memories are like haunting me

 

i can't wear this outfit without thinking of her

or that outfit without thinking, oh i wore that

with her...or i showed this to her

or she made me put this on for like twenty minutes

 

my heart is broken

i have accomplished that

her heart is broken(maybe)

i want to change that.

its killing me

it makes me cry inside

it makes my stomach hurt

it makes my hands shake

it makes my eyes tease

 

i close my eyes and see her

i think randomly and its about her

i turn around and see her

i hope about her

i dream about her

i scream her

its all about her

"it will all come down to me" i say to others

"everything will come down to me"

"she'll remember me"

i think it just might be the other way around

i dont think she cares anymore

i dont think she thinks anymore

i dont think she remembers anymore..

i dont know

 

this is hurting me

and im holding back my tears

i dont know what to do anymore

i can't keep living like this

 

my heart is dead

its with her

i can't go on.

 

this is by far the hardest

blog i think i have ever written

in the past 46 days. :"(

 

i want to wither away!

i dont want to live without her

:/

 

I LOVE YOU, COMPLETELY!

and i dont know how to change that.

 

goodbye

chelseatiberio

 

Day 44

and it is getting harder..

 

i hate that she is sick

and there is nothing i can do!:(

i hate that i find out things

at work by people that barely

talk to her and like to say shit to me

like i already know..

 

blah blah blah

everything makes me cry like that.

blah blah blah

 

i just want to play russian roullete and see

what exactly happens..blah blah blah

maybe maybe...

 

its killing me not talking to her

its killing me to dream about her

its killing me to see her towel

and wash cloth in the same place

and its killing me to see her picture

in the same spot since she gave it to me

its killing me to see all our stuff in one little spot

its killing me to not take it down

that i dont have the balls to change it.

im pathetic..

fuck it!

 

i fucking love you!!! i fucking care about you!

i fucking want you!! i fucking need you!!

 

and my fucking heart is broken!

and its still in your fucking hands..

gah gah gah!!!

 

i hate you! i hate what you have done to me!

and i hate that you don't care either!

blah

 

although, i love you!

with all my heart, that you have, every cell in my body.

i love you!!!!

gah

i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you

 

goodbye

chelseatiberio 

Day 43

was yesterday

 

got the common sense fixed.(hopefully)

 

sucked, she always finds a way to tear me

down..

im completely sick and tired of being sick and tired

its aggravating me

and im done with it..

 

im done with her.

 

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

although, i still love you

goodbye

chelseatiberio

Day 42

me: "them explain to me why im going to the doctors,expaling to me why i close my eyes and see her,tell me why i hate her and love her,explain to me whyi cry for hours everyday,explain to me why i can't go out with kasey without thinking im cheating,explain to me why i despise to see her but want it so bad,explain to me why russian roulette is in my head all the time,explain to me whyi moshed and got fucked up so bad bc of her. exactly i do need her."

amber: "because your heart is broken. /:

 

guess its reality check time

never really ever had a broken heart

and damn does it suck..

 

mhmm life i guess.

 

use me and abuse me jessie

but dont play mind games with

my head.

 

im kinda glad that im more mature about

the whole situation though..

i mean there is some benefit to it all.

i dont know though..

pretty complicated if you ask me.

 

she is only nice when she wants to be

fake bitch, thats what i have to say

 

she calls me a bitch for what?

becuase i care, i love, i want?

guess that makes me a bitch

because i came back, im standing, im fighting

imma bitch

but at the same time imma beast because

im on her mind all the time..

pathetic.

 

although you have dumped me in hell

i still love you jessica ann axe!

with everything that i am now

 

goodbye.

chelseatiberio

Day 41

is today, and its early

but i dont give a fuck!

 

ha stupid bitch won!

she gets exactly what

she wants when she wants

and how she wants without

even fucking asking for it.

 

im done with the games

im done with the playing all this shit

 

its pathetic how you sit there

and say that youre over me

when you are clearly not

if you have to pick up some

bitch on the side of the street

to fucking make me jealous

 

and its funny how yea i was jealous

that she had your hand and shit

but not the fact that it was her.

that was pathetic and she was pathetic

and  i figured out your game way

before you were even to say it on facebook

dumb bitch..

i knew it! i over analyzed everything

you may think im stupid, but im really not

sorry!

 

and plus once i walked away from your

immature ass

it was ha why her

she looks like shit..

and she is the complete opposite of what you are.

so its alright..

at least be smart and pick someone that was pretty

and what not..i mean you did that

with jessica and look..hahaha

instead you pick someone i know you would never be with

put her back from the place you got her

you can't rent people dumbass..

whatever..

 

this is stupid and so are you!

figured youre just going to play

this game and then come back

eventually..

 

tooo bad you should figure out

if im going to be fucking standing

there when you do.

because i highly doubt that i will.

 

although you put me through

all this

i still fucking love you with every fuckin cromosone of my body

every damn cell.

and thats probably pathetic of me.

 

never knew love would hurt this much.

 

goodbye.

Day 37

its all fun and games until

it gets thrown back in your face!

ha

 

although

i still love you

goodbye

chelseatiberio

 

p.s. sucks my love is real

and sucks you still have a hold on me

and sucks i can't think about doing

anything else with anyone else because

of you..fuck you!

i could hate you for what you have done to me

 

i cant the doctors sooner!

this next couple of days..

damnit.

Day 36

mhmm and i came to a conclusion

that all you wanted was me to change

to be that picture perfect girl that

i already was.

 

its fine im not a doll and you can't just change me

even barbie has things that just dont change

 

although

i love you still

goodbye

chelseatiberio

 

p.s. youre losing me day by day!

Day 35

and even though i talk about it like it doesn't bother me

it is getting harder and harder as the days go by

 

im really not looking forward to wednesday

it is going to eat me alive..

 

nothing really to say..

she doesn't talk to me unless

she needs something

or has something to complain to me about

 

i miss her still

im just not fighting for the

heart that she took away from me

 

although

i love you still jessie

 

goodbye,

chelseatiberio

Day 34

and last night was rough

so rough

im sooooooooooooooo confused

it is unreal

 

but nothing i can do

haven't talked to her

 

again..

seeing her wednesday

(at work) nothing like

"lets hang out"

of course not right

 

i dont mean nothing

im sooooooooooooooooo confused

i just want to understand..

 

although

i still love you jessica ann axe!

i will always love you because my love was real!

and love never changes! it always sticks!

when it is real in love type shit..

and my love for you was real in love type shit.!

trust it or not but its true

 

goodbye

chelseatiberio

Day 33

and there is nothing to say

 

although i still care

there is nothing.

nothing at all..

 

 

goodbye.

chelseatiberio