Chelsea

Perfection

Hello my name is Chelsea and I make mistakes. I run into walls and trip over my feet. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and cry when I'm upset. I'm not okay with everything and I like to be respected, I do respect. I watch soccer and know very little about football. Yes, I have trouble sleeping and I work way too hard. My past is not amazing, I'm trying to make my future better. I don't always smile and sometimes random strangers bother me. I don't like starting conversations and I'm definitely not Einstein. I fight and I stay quiet. I'm fascinated by the craziest things and I'm not scared away easily. I'm definitely curious George. I still think I'm capable of dating you. Relationships are about compromise, they are about both people...there should be no selfish behavior when it comes to decisions. Honesty is number one...there should be no secrets.
What about me? My feelings?
You came knowing who I was! You came knowing everything! And now, basically I'm not good enough for you, don't think I ever was. Merry Christmas to me. :,(

just for the record

I am not some punching bag that

you think you can push around and

decide to be around when it is convient for you.

yes i have always been there,

but when I needed you you totally

blew me off because you were waaay

to happy for anyone elses sadness.

youre pathetic.

and im not going to be there

for you now because you need

someone..thats bullshit..

and im not revolving..

my door has closed

and is now locked.

hope your happy...

you have everything in your hands

the friggin globe and you can't even

get your friends right..

coming at me like im some piece of meat

eff that..

i can't believe i even fell for the act that you pull

you just want everyone to sympathize over you

because people do..well guess what I am not people

I am chelsea..and i won't be your little shoulder to cry on.

goodbye.

so today i learned

that i am moving to arizona in two weeks

that i know im going to lose siara

that i dont believe a word siara says

that i know she dont care about me

that it is only convient for her, when she wants to know something

that i may be 18, but i am more mature than you and your 20

that no one understand why i have cried today

that even though i went to amber, she is too happy to see pain

that i NEED someone to lean on, anyone

that i want to be this wall for everyone, but can't even be a wall for myself

that i can't bare the thought of leaving some behind

that my graduation is going to be filled with more sorrow than happiness

that i will be packing my bags for the next two weeks

that for the first time, every time my phone rings i hope is siara

even when i know for a fact that it won't be.

that for once, i am not this strong individual everyone thinks i am

that these pills, that i have stopped taking, did not help

and i would rather be sad then pretend to be happy

that life is what it is and you can't change anything that you want

that even though people say they care, they never really do

that things happen for whatever reason

that jessica never cared in the first place, and she lied from the beginning

that from here on out, everything is going to be hard for me

that i will cry my eyes out thursday from 115 to whatever time siara and i stop talking

that sometimes i have to live with what happens

and realize that no one wants to be there.

that no one honestly does care

whether i am here or there

that it doesn't matter where i end up

that i could have all my dreams conquered but for others that will never be enough

that i can change myself for you, because thats what you asked,

but i am not good enough for you to show that you are there

that i will never ever be good enough

that utah will be the exact same as vegas just with different people

that it will never be what i want it to be

that  I DONT WANT TO GO TO UTAH ANYMORE!

that staying in my room is the safest place for me

that for once, i want someone to be here, not TRY to help through texting

because in reality it never ever helps..and thats why i end up not texting back.

 

goodbye.

 

is what it is

you act like i fucking care

 

yea i liked you

but you are just

to paranoid about everything

think that everything

just pisses off a person

when it really doesn't

 

im done and its fine!

so whatever..

 

of course you're going to compare to your ex "bitches"

but seriously now get real

im not them

never will be

 

you don't believe a single word i say

yet you trust me

hahahaha make my ass laugh

 

what a dumb...

Day 69

and i saw yout today

not at work

just you

i saw you

 

and it made me cry

and it made me miss you

and it made me hurt

 

and then i realized,

my signs.

the signs that are given to me

every single day

 

that every red light i hit

is to show me that i need

to slow down.take a breath

until its safe for me to drive on

and the fact that lake mead

stays green now is because

i do not have to dwell on what

has happened to us..that i am okay

to pass it..but the red lights before

show that i just need to take it

one step at a time

 

and every red light after shows that

i need to be cautious with my heart

because i can't get hurt and i need

to wait for it to become green in order

for it to be safe..

 

thank you! i like my signs.

 

i love you jessica ann axe

that will never change

but you will never be

given my heart again!

im sorry.

 

goodbye

chelseatiberio

Day 59

and i still miss you!

 

still

i just dont think about you

that much anymore.!

 

you still have my heart

but im not giving it back to you

 

 

i love you jessica ann axe

and i always will no matter

what yo believe!

 

and there are some that will say

you deserve to be played by her

and her..but i dont believe

you dont deserve that

even if you did two exes wrong

im sorry your being played i really am

and that makes me mature

because i can show that i care

and still be sorry for the pain

that i am no longer causing you!

 

i have learned that i have to make a choices

and the choices don't involve you anymore

yes i will hurt, and yes i will cry.

but the fact that i love you needs to show

that your happiness is more important

and it has and will always be more important

and i have proven that..

 

i love you with everything that is left of me

thee end..

 

goodbye

chelseatiberio

Day 53

and i still miss you!

 

theee end!

 

i wish you were here

talked to you today

it was weird,

but your ecstatic about

your life..

im glad.

hope you have fun with that damn

puppy of yours, fender, with her.

 

i still love you

deeply

:/

goodbye

chelseatiberio

Day 52

i can't do this anymore

this rudeness and disrespect

when all i did was nothing to

either one of you

i dont know her and for her to act

like that is completely rude.

grow up about the whole situation

you two don't even act your age.

 

i hate that you have this control

i hate you because i can't get over you

i hate you because you don't care

i hate you because you have lied over and over again

i hate you because your laughing at me right now

i hate you because you have the nerve to talk shit about me

i hate you because you can't even remember by name

i hate you because you talk about me to your "friends" and think its a comedy tv show

i hate you because you have made me sick

i hate you because you walked out on me with as little as an "oh" because those are the last

i hate you because you can't even remember us

i hate you because you throw everything back in my face

i hate you because i love you

i hate you because you came into my life

i hate you because you showed me what i could have

i hate you because YOU were the only one to make me forget my past

i hate you because you showed me happiness

i hate you because you took that happiness away from me

i hate you because you turned my heart into tiny particles you can only see with a microscope

i hate you because you completely turned your back on me even when i need you

i hate you because you were the only person i had that cared and now i have no one

i hate you because you are the only one to put tears in my eyes without even talking to me

i hate you becayse you are the one that i loved so deeply

i hate you because you believed everything i said, when you shouldn't have(on some thigns)

i hate you because you never showed you wanted me

i hate you because you let me walk away for months

i hate you because you never have the same consideration for me as you did others

i hate you because you make everyone else seem golden while im just dirt

i hate you because you know i can't hate you

i hate you because you have this hold

i hate you because i dont even hate you

not even the tiniest cell

not even the membrane of a hair strand

not even close

i can't even imagine it

 

fuck

 

i love you sooooooooooooooooo much

and you don't care

you laugh at it

you watch it like its on comedy central

 

goodbye.

chelseatiberio

Day 48

and i dont know what to do

 

im sycho

i dont have a name

im talked about

im thought of

i have an impact

i still get the reaction of memories

 

this is pathetic

do what you want

talk what you want

abuse and use me

(as you already have)

 

BUT GROW THE FUCK UP

you are almost nineteen years old

and  your stupid friend taylor

who is whatever age, pretty old

needs to also grow the fuck up!

really i talk shit about her?

really i called her every name in the book?

fuck that, i have never said

anything about taylor and you

fucking no that

stupid shit

like ill go down if she wants to go down

wtf? im wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to mature

to fight some person that think she has

the world in her hands.

or lets go pick her up from work too

or oh tell her i said hi

wtf is that shit

thats dumb

really?

real mature

yet the day before she wanna be like

oh damn im not going that way

you act like i burned the fucking world down

you dont give a shit anymore

so i dont know what the big ass deal is

just leave it alone

if you dont care, why are you still doing this.???????

 

aren't you supposed to be moved on?

guess not...ha

 

youre a bitch

i hate you, i can honestly say that

i hate you

 

but

 

i still love you!

and i hate you for that

 

goodbye

chelseatiberio

Day 47

and although i dont get knots anymore

i still miss her more than life.

i still miss her more than anything

 

and it sucks.

i try so hard to be okay

but this medicine doesn't

let me cry or feel anything

it sucks..

im so neutral to everything

i can't get mad, even though i wanted to

i can't get upset, even though upsetness is smacking me in the face

 

this is getting harder and harder

as the days go on.

i can't keep doing this

i can't keep going on like this

what do i do?

 

i miss her sooo much

it sucks walking past her

and not being able to say anything

it sucks that she has nothing

to say to me, but she can talk about me

like i wont find out

im still on her mind, and i guess that is good right?

but i mean, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i want her.!

damnit.

 

i love you.

goodbye

chelseatiberio

 

p.s. i wish i could handle this